thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
