It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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