i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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