i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
