I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
