is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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