this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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