Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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