I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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