Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
