I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
