The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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