I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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