I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
