i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
