dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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