Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize