I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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