im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
