I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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