He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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