If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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