how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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