i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i was born a porn star she said
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
