Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
