she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
