I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
