I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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