I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
