hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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