My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
