i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
