its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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