Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
