you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize