I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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