So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
