seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
