They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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