I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
