I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I believe in your delicious
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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