So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
