i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
