There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
