I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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