Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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