i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
