I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
