my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sorry about my life...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
