I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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