So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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