Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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