If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
