Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
