I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
