omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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