Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
