they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
