I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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