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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
